Entries in discovery (1)
Duality Of Disposition And Reticence Vs. Rebellion
The struggle continues. While I desperately need to report my experiences and document my thoughts, I also desperately need privacy. It is the duality of my disposition and the polarity of my plight that drive me to a high-speed collision with my conscience nearly every day. Once again, I have been confronted with someone who has revealed me to myself, and due to it (and Google image search), I have lost an opportunity and a friend. It is this sort of thing that causes me to live in constant anxiety. Who will discover me here? I worry about how they will interpret my pieces and what negative effects this could have. I have already had issues with my presence here by friends who have brought their discovery to my attention. And I have the overwhelming feeling that there are people who have not said anything about having found me here, but who have, and silently watch and read and become alienated by my words, not realizing that these are just fragments of the bigger picture, while they sadly slip away from me because of their discreet investigation. But as I worry about what kind of risk I’m taking by putting my thinly veiled presence online, I also worry about what I would be doing to myself by not having a presence at all. I have always been a writer. I don’t know how not to write. I have also always been a collector of stories. Having a rich collection of colorful life experiences to think about, talk about and cherish as the very things that construct the fabric of my being, fuel me. It is my desire, my compulsion - sometimes I feel my spiritual duty - to explore, to take chances, to share and to be heard. If I stopped writing for the sake of privacy, I would not be stressed about who may see what and how they may interpret it. But to stop writing for the sake of protection would be to clinch the figurative wet fingers on my brightly burning flame. How do I find balance between opposing needs, and is there even such a thing when blogging? When does honesty begin to do us more harm than good? Does too much liberation restrict us? As a certain shrewish Shakespearean character said,
“I want to be free, even to the uttermost, as I please, in words.”
But at what point does practicing our uttermost verbal freedom actually entrap us? Is it out reticence or our rebellion that ultimately grants us a greater voice?
Raquel
Raquel
in Blogging, Debates, Fears, Hopes And Mushy Stuff, Frustrations, Life, My Projects, Quotes, Writing, conflict, discovery, freedom, investigation, privacy, writing
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